The great debate comes to an end (sort of...)

Guin Rogers, Special Section Editor

Do you like pineapples? If you answered yes, then you are correct. How about this monstrosity: pineapples on pizza? If you answered yes to that too, then you are no longer in my favor. What anomalies you all are. I mean really. And I don’t say that in a nice way. Pineapples, sure, but on pizza? Pizza is made for tomato sauce, cheese, meat, and occasionally mushrooms and olives (but even that’s pushing it). However,maybe we can come to an agreement of sorts, not so much a compromise, but a kind of… I-tell-you-that-you’re-wrong-and-you-just-accept-it. Sound good? Alright I’m just kidding. But I do intend to sway you to my side, perhaps even a little bit. Maybe there’s no concrete evidence, however I do have some points worthy of consideration.
When you think of eating pizza, do you imagine sitting in a dark, cold corner all by yourself stuffing yourself with a whole pizza? No! Well… I wouldn’t put it past some people… anyways, not the point. What you SHOULD think of is sitting around a warmly lit table with lots of family and friends laughing and having a good time, or maybe even just a free for all party. Now, what’s the point of putting a controversial topping on pizza (cough, like pineapples, cough) if it’s meant to be shared? Yeah, you could just take off the pineapples, but pineapples have that evil power of leaving that sickly sweet taste behind, so there’s really no point. Either put the pineapples away, or serve them as a side, it’s not that hard people.
Okay, one more point and then I’m done. Look up pizza in the Oxford English Dictionary. What does it say? If you were too lazy to do that, I’ve put it here for you: “a dish of Italian origin consisting of a flat, round base of dough baked with a topping of tomato sauce and cheese, typically with added meat or vegetables.” Now, is pineapple a sauce, cheese, meat, or vegetable? The answer is no. If those fancy dictionary writers from england say that it’s not a topping, then it is simply not a topping.
Alright, I lied. I’ve got one more point to consider. Do you know Gordon Ramsey? The one who yells at everybody for messing up the simplest things in recipes? He once stated that “Pineapple does not go on pizza.” Yes, I know, this is just an opinion, but in my defense, you did click on an opinion article, didn’t you? If you didn’t want an opinion, why did you even come here? Yeah, that’s right, just be quiet now.
Have I changed your mind on pineapples on pizza? Shhh, just say yes. Great! Then my job here is now done. Thank you all for coming to my iHoot TedTalk. Have a great week without your pineapples on pizza!