After hearing my compelling argument, you'll have no choice but to "say uncle."

Nathaniel Brown, Associate Editor

Okay, let’s start this with an obligatory admittance: I love all of my aunts and uncles equally. But when we consider the two groups in essence, I believe aunts are indubitably superior to the institution of the “uncle.” Hear me out.

First of all, I will address those “uncle”-ers first. Why would you advocate for an institution that is literally synonymous (in English, at least) with “defeat”? That’s right: “Say uncle” is another way of saying, “Give up.” It’s most commonly used in a thumb war and when bullies are nabbing quarters from deep-pocketed computer nerds down the hallway (or was that just me?). Anyway, I doubt you’ll hear “say aunt” in any of these contexts.

If that point didn’t convince you, I’ll try a different tactic: Spanish, anyone? In Español, “uncle” is spelled “tío.” That sounds oddly like “teal,” right? And that color has been out of style for, what? Centuries? Aunt, however, is spelled “tía.” What does that sound like? That’s right: tiara. What else? Well, “TIA” also stands for “transient ischemic attack.” Although that certainly doesn’t sound appetizing, I guarantee you that whatever “TIO” stands for in the English language is much, much worse.

Finally, I will resort to anecdotal appeals while attempting not to veer into pseudo-sexism (or what could be construed as such). Many of my aunts worked at Starbucks. That’s right: mocha frappuccino Starbucks. If I had been around back then, I would’ve undoubtedly gotten Starbucks discounts–that’s more valuable than gold! My uncles, on the other hand, probably had boring internships and stuff that I’m yawning even thinking about. And, finally, if you’re not convinced by now, I saved the best argument for last: who do you think is doing the Christmas shopping for nephews and nieces? I can virtually guarantee you it’s not Uncle Bob.