Welcome to the first installation of “Nisi and Nate Debate”, where Denise “Nisi” Soerens and I will debate any topic that strikes our fancy, whether or not we have a real opinion on it (Hint: I don’t). Our first topic will be: Which is better? Australian accents, or British accents? I say British!

Okay, I’ll be honest: this is not my most passionate debate topic, but here goes:

There’s this weird American phenomenon that’s been going on for a surprisingly long while. It’s this, well, obsession with our former motherland and her colonies. I’m speaking, of course, of Great Britain and what are essentially still quasi-colonies: Canada, and, specifically, Australia. This obsession primarily takes form in the culture: think, just how many of the people you know–including yourself–watched the recent royal wedding?

Hey, I’ve got nothing against English romanticism. After all, it’s produced some interesting trends, like the tendency of wealthy 19th-century American socialites to wed English noblemen who had, at best, a fancy name. Just think: with enough money you, too, could be a “duchess” or whatever. But, I digress. I’m here because I was challenged to a debate by the godqueen of our newspaper, Denise “Nisi” Soerens, as to whether the Australian or British accent reigned supreme in the incontrovertibly objective realm of accent echelons. My position is, of course, for the British accent.

What comes to mind when you think of the British accent? “Tea and crumpets,” I presume? Maybe you get a “Hahvahd”-ish vibe. Australian accents bring to mind “shrimp on barbies” and kangaroos on steroids (if you’ve never seen one of these monsters, pause your reading: look and despair what God hath wrought). And, of course, when one thinks of the British accent they think of pomp. Pomp. Pomp and pretentiousness. Doesn’t every English accent rank somewhere on the scale of pretentiousness?

Just think: a heart surgeon walks into the room as you’re strapped down to a chair, sweating with anxiety. Do you feel more comfortable if he introduces himself: “Howdy, pardner. Just gon’ give ya some drugs right quick and I’ll have ya fixed up in a jiffy, ya hear?” Or do you feel more comfortable listening to the mellifluous tones of an Ivy League graduate? That’s what I thought. So, nationally, we must rank accents based on pretentiousness and heart-surgeon comfortability. America will inevitably rank last, we being the hillbillies of the West and all that, so we need not mention ourselves in this ranking. So now we have:

1. British accent (please, surgeon, I don’t want to undergo anesthesia; I want to listen to your beautiful voice!)

2. Indo-English accent

?. Canadian accent (does anyone live here?)

4.  Australian accent.

And there you go. I want my heart surgeon to have been educated at Oxford, not Koala-Kare University or something like that. As for actors and actresses, I’ll take it or leave it. But just think: how many Australian-themed shows are there in comparison to the number of British shows? See, the market speaks for itself.

Keep in mind that this is only the first of me and the godqueen’s heated and intellectual debates over rather useless topics, so keep informed. I can only hope the United Kingdom will endow me with royalties (Get it? Royalties!) from the immense increase in tourist revenue this article will bring them.

If you haven’t yet, go and read Nisi’s article: https://tinyurl.com/australianisawesome

If you are at all persuaded by facts and logical reasoning, go vote for the supremacy of the British accent HERE.